Sen. Ted Cruz Urges Passing of “Guns are People Too” Bill

Similar to Citizens United, Bill will give Rights to Guns.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) today unveiled a revolutionary new bill intended to broadly protect gun’s rights and guarantee them a new right — their right to vote. The NRA was involved in drafting the bill, but it does not appear to have widespread support.

“Corporations now have rights under Citizens,” Cruz explained, “but it’s important to remember that we now have more guns in this country than white people. The silent majority of guns out there must be given their voice.”

When questioned on the logistics and sanity of this bill, Cruz said, “I am not going to get into a battle of semantics on this. Those on the radical left will claim that guns are not sentient and naturally can’t drive themselves to the polls. To be clear, I am not saying guns can think or make informed decisions. I am just asking the question.”

Under this proposed bill, all registered voters who also own an AR-15 would be required to bring their weapon to the polls on Election Day and be given an opportunity to vote twice. Those who fail to comply may be charged with election interference.

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) reportedly wanted to look at historical precedent and stated, “I will certainly consult with Kublai Khan and the ghosts who live in my outhouse. We simply cannot have another San Juan Hill situation.”

Cruz was joined by Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) and NRA mascot Bobbie the Armor Piercing Bullet, neither of whom are allowed to speak in public. A Cornyn staffer later revealed that Cruz is under the care of a psychiatrist and that, “we may need to tweak some meds here.”

Cruz ended the press conference by staring off into the middle distance and whispering, “My wife doesn’t touch me anymore.”

*** this is satire.